Don't Be Daft
by EE's Skysong
Summary: Set during HPB... Remus and Tonks share a stroll by the Black Lake. 'I was studying her out of the corner of my eye, not feeling I had the right to do it candidly because she seemed a little ashamed of her mousebrown hair.'


Disclaimer: "But as the embers of the summer Lost their breath and disappeared My heart went cold And only hollow rhythms resounded from within…"

(An: This is set during the sixth book, between the scene in the hospital wing and Dumbledore's funeral. It's from both their POVs, but I trust you'll be able to understand that.)

She was pretty this way; not that it meant much. I couldn't help feeling guilty that my refusal to get involved with her had caused depression bad enough to make her revert to her true appearance. I'd gotten to like the shade of bubble gum.

I was studying her out of the corner of my eye, not feeling I had the right to do it candidly because she seemed a little ashamed of her mouse-brown hair. Looking at her, the reasons I'd stammered when she confronted me seemed less and less plausible.

Herself, Tonks was looking at her feet, lost in thought. She was probably considering the way to shape her words to convince me she was serious, even though I already knew she was.

We were walking around the edge of the lake together, where small groups of students clustered, clearly all discussing Dumbledore or the state of Hogwarts. Neither of us had said anything about coming out here; we just had, exchanging only the briefest of looks before falling into step beside the other.

With the lack of talk, I couldn't help thinking about how often I'd walked out here with Sirius or James or Peter; if it was more than two of us, we'd sit down. This was quite different, of course. I wasn't as open as I had been back then (and I had always been very taciturn), nor as willing to befriend anyone.

Tonks, of course, had ignored that. She had knocked me over at our first meeting and latched onto me (literally), assigning me her guide around Number 12, Grimmauld Place. I had obliged her, taking an immediate shine to the purple-haired and rather insane young woman. She reminded me of Sirius that way, only female and more mature (well, comparatively).

She had also ignored my every attempt to avoid her when it became clear that her intentions were not just for friendship. I still haven't decided if her following me everywhere was annoying or endearing yet. It was annoying because it meant that I couldn't find a quiet place to sort out exactly what I thought about her (and stop myself before I got too attached), but endearing because… well, Tonks is Tonks. If you know her, you'll understand what I mean. She's too sweet and funny and _alive_ to annoy anyone for very long (except perhaps Mad-Eye, but everyone irritates him).

Realizing that I thought about her like that had been one of my reasons for trying to distance myself from her. It hadn't been the best strategy, since it just made her chase me more.

Looking at her now, I saw a woman different from the one who had first walked around a corner and into me. She was more serious, and her brown eyes hid frustration and deep sadness in their depths. Knowing that it was my fault stung.

She paused, meeting my eyes. "Remus-"

I shook my head, putting a finger to her lips. She moved my hand, glaring at me, but I twined my fingers with hers. Her mouth closed with an audible snap.

O-o-O-o-O

We resumed our walk. I didn't try to speak again; his gesture had made me forget my words, and he seemed to be preparing to talk himself.

He brought me over to a willow tree overlooking the lake, a good distance from any students. We sat down, his gray-blue eyes inscrutable as he watched the sunlight play off the water. "Tonks…" he murmured after a moment.

I smiled a little bit; I loved hearing his voice, and he had actually called me by my preferred name for once. He usually used my first name simply because he knew how much it annoyed me, a habit I think he picked up from Sirius. Sirius, though, had stopped doing it after the thousandth "It's _Tonks_!" Remus persisted. When I'd confronted him about it, his answer had been a hesitant smile without eye contact and, "You're funny when you're angry."

Anyone else would have gotten punched in the jaw for that. Hearing it from him, though, left me speechless, weird feelings stirring in my chest. I had tried to squash them the next time they welled up; they were too strange and strong.

I hadn't been able to, though, and they finally got me in trouble after Sirius's death. I had felt a little guilty for not being able to defeat our mutual cousin and prevent her from harming him, but I forgot about it when I finally rejoined the rest of the Order only to find that Remus was not among them. He was off by himself, as he was often wont to do, and I wasn't about to let him do something stupid in his grief.

Remus had retreated to the room where Buckbeak was kept, stroking the great creature as he devoured a few ferrets. I had entered the room but said nothing, knowing then, as I did now, that he would speak in his own time. Sitting on the desk beside him, I watched him silently. His back was bent with heartache; unshed tears lurked in his lovely eyes. He always went to such lengths to hide his suffering, as if he felt he needed to be strong for the rest of us. I wondered, though; when had anyone else ever been strong for _him_?

When Buckbeak finished eating, he curled up in a corner of the room and fell asleep. Remus hopped up on the desk beside me, his focus on his feet. I scooted closer, putting an arm around his thin shoulders and resisting the urge to break the silence with a joke.

After a moment, Remus said, "I figured in all the commotion that no one had fed him today. Sirius forgot once, and we caught him trying to eat one of the bags of stuff we dug out of the attic. He nearly turned himself into a rabbit."

My lips twitched as I pictured this, but I managed to hold it in.

"You didn't get a chance to get to know him very well, I know." I wasn't daft enough to think he was still talking about Buckbeak. "He empathized with Buckbeak- they were stuck in here together, you see. I'm not upset about the way… it happened-" he looked at me sharply for a second and added, seeing through me as usual, "-and neither should you. He went out having the best time he'd had in a long while. He was fighting, the way he wanted. I just feel bad that he spent his last couple of weeks stuck in here. I know what it's like to be caged."

I winced. I had never considered my cousin's feelings about Dumbledore's decision to make him stay inside. It was _Dumbledore_- wasn't he always right? The idea that his resolution to make Sirius stay deep in hiding might have contributed to his death was a little frightening.

Remus glanced at me again and nodded. "I know. If Dumbledore's wrong, then how on earth are the rest of us supposed to make up our minds about anything?" He sighed. "Still, I somehow find that harder to believe than being the last Marauder. I thought, at least, that Sirius and I would be together to the end…"

"Everyone always said that he and James were like brothers," I said, watching him for any sign that my words were unwanted, "but when I was with him, he always talked about you." (Ok, so that was because Sirius had caught out my feelings for Remus right away, but he didn't need to know that.) "He never had anything bad to say about you, even when he was mad at everyone."

Remus smiled, and it hurt a little; it was the smile you see on a person who's just commited suicide, that realization that nothing ends pain. "He liked you," he murmured. "It's a pity you didn't know him longer. You two are alike."

"You mean I'm completely mad, too?" I paused. "Oh, wait, I knew that. Carry on, carry on."

Remus closed his eyes, some of the sadness leaving his smile.

"I think I would have exploded if I didn't say that, sorry."

"Don't be," Remus replied, tilting his head back to contemplate the ceiling. "It helps when people don't instantly say, 'Oh, you must feel so _bad_.' That's a given. He was my brother in all but blood. I prefer your way of handling it."

"As opposed to yours, when you don't handle it at all?" I answered. The words just slipped out, I swear.

He, however, didn't look offended. He shrugged. "It doesn't hurt as much as it would have, is all. I lost all three of my best friends in one fell swoop a long time ago. When Sirius came back, it was… wonderful… it was still a surprise to see him hanging around, though, even after two years. My heart was already resigned to his leaving." He shook his head. "Ah, I'm sorry. I'm being a bitter, awful old fool."

"You're not awful, and you're certainly not old. You're giving yourself far too much credit."

That made him laugh, finally; it was a rare thing when I could manage to get one out of him, and it never failed to make me smile. The laugh, however, seemed to be what tore it. He hung his head, and a single tear landed on the floor.

"For goodness' sake, Remus, I'm not going to point and laugh. The worst thing you can do right now is try to hide your sorrow." When he made no sign of replying and no more tears hit the boards, I snapped, "Would you stop being so bloody _daft_ already?"

"I'm not being daft, I'm being selfish, just like you." I raised an eyebrow. Remus wiped at his eyes with his sleeve before looking at me. "Don't you think I know why you came up here, Tonks?"

I backed off, my cheeks going hot._ No blushing! Bad Tonks!_

"You'd think as a Metamorphamagus you'd stop taking things at face value." He reached over and tilted my head toward his. He was frowning. "Stop that."

"What?"

"You can come up here and pretend to just be a caring friend all you like, but don't you dare be ashamed of who you are and how you feel. That's my job."

I looked at him, my eyes widening. "Remus-"

As usual, he cut me off. "If you finish whatever you're going to say, I'm going to do something foolish, Tonks. Do me a favor and keep your mouth shut, all right? I don't want something to feel guilty about later."

"You can hardly feel guilty if _I_ did it," I replied.

He looked at me, confusion halfway onto his face. I only let it get that far before I kissed him.

For a moment, he kissed back, and I was surprised at the _need_ behind it. Not lust, but the need to relieve something long repressed.

That moment was perfect, and it naturally all went to hell after that.

Remus was the one who pulled away. For a moment, his eyes were naked, but before I could sort all of the emotions I saw, he closed them, taking in a shuddering breath. "I shouldn't have done that," he murmured, sliding over to the edge of the desk.

I wrinkled my nose, wondering why I hadn't predicted this reaction. Remus was a very smart man, but he had a rather skewed view of his self-worth. "_You_ didn't. I did."

Remus shrugged, saying "Same difference" without actually bothering to speak the words.

"Remus, don't be like this," I pleaded, putting my face very close to his. "Whatever you're going to say, please don't say it."

But he just smiled at me, in that way of his that made it a frown, and replied with two words, "I can't."

The rest of his reasonings, the ones he'd stammered to me when confronted with Bill and Fleur's love, would come later, but at that moment, that was all he had to say.

I had frowned, wrinkling my nose, but before I could ask him exactly what he meant, he left, slipping away with that quiet efficiency of his. Even though he had been sitting right in front of me, it took a moment for my brain to realize he'd left.

And after that, he'd avoided me. It wasn't hard in a house the size of Sirius's, and in the hullabaloo that came after the fight at the Ministry, it was very easy for him to always be out on "Order business". It didn't take me long to realize, though, that he was simply avoiding me, and that hurt more than I could ever describe.

I could tell by the look in his eyes- guilty and resigned and pained- that he knew what I was thinking about, and I swallowed. He didn't seem to be having any great revelation about my conviction or his weakness or our love. Rather, he was just looking at me.

"Whatever you're going to say," I began, and I was annoyed to hear tears in my voice, "please just say it. I've been waiting too long, and it hurts."

"I know it does," he murmured, squeezing my hand. "I've been foolish, love. Can you do me a favor?" He leaned in close.

I nodded, feeling rather giddy.

"Please don't rub it in."

I shivered a little bit as he took the hand that wasn't holding mine and brushed his thumb across my lips. "But where would the fun be if I didn't?" I whispered.

Remus laughed and shook his head. "Good point." He looked me in the eyes for a moment, then kissed me softly. He pulled back rather abruptly, and for a moment, I was worried he was having second thoughts… or would that be third thoughts, since this was the second encounter?

Oh, whatever. Anyway, I stopped worrying when I saw the amused grin spreading across his face. "What?" I asked.

He reached over and fingered a strand of my hair. I looked at it. I would have grinned myself, if I already hadn't been; it was bright pink.

(I hope to do some more Harry Potter drabbles soon… ah, well. Review, please?)


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